Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
