I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
