I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
