I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
i now understand why vodka
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
