Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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