he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
