when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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