someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Let's get the cat blown out
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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