I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
