My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
