News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
