She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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