You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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