Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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