i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
