those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
