my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
