Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
