I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
