Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
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He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
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I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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