I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
