Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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