I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
