I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
