Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
