Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
