i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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