whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
