when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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