my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
