I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
