Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
