If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
