my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
