if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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