Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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