Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
