I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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