i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
