20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Your cock deserves a montage
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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