I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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