Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
