Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
