saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
