Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
His hands were made for my vagina.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
