I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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