I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
