I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
