all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
