she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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