If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
