so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
