Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
