I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
