sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
