thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We need to feng shui this bitch.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
