Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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